In third grade, I met my eldest and dear friend--Nicole. She was and continues to be one of those friends that you NEVER forget and you know will be in your life for a lifetime. I knew that then and of course decades later I still know it. Nicole was an only child, and I had two younger siblings. We were inseperable and hung out eveyday after school. I have to admit having such a great friend that I could share the world with, set the bar for all friendships to follow.
Nicole and I continued on to Junior High School together and we met up with Norma and Lolita and thus, we started calling ourselves the CULTURE CLUB. Though we were growing up in San Francisco which is diverse— Latinos hung with Latinos, Filipinos with Filipinos, African Americans with African Americans. Notice, I didn't say black as blackness exists in all of the above. Anyhow, all of us got shit from our perspective cultural groups for chillin' with each other. So, instead of giving into peer pressure, we created our own space. Being the strong, independent girls we were.
Though THE SISTA HOOD is fiction, it was inspired by the amazing bond that the four of us created among each other. And our many cuentos (stories). We would tease each other, but I felt sorry for the pendejo that ever messed with our crew. Especially, 'cause I was usually the one that had to kick their culitos.
We were all very different, but we adored and supported each other through family stuff and this crazy thing called adolescene. Norma even sat in on a phone conversation where I serenaded this guy I liked at the time to a DEBARGE song (Yes, this was the early 80's). Of course, it wasn't successful as I CAN'T sing. LOL. Whew! The things you do as a kid. And, he liked Lolita not me. All the guys liked Lolita. Even the girls liked Lolita, at least I did. A reveal that I have never spoken to anyone, until now.
I wish I would have had the courage to be open about my sexuality when I was in middle school, but frankly I didn't really understand my feelings. You didn't have the information then that you have now. Plus, how are you gonna have a crush on boys and girls. Bisexuals are just freaks, or so I thought. So, I kept it inside and never spoke a word. Then in high school, Nicole was dating this dude who had a sister. We were at this house party, one of those ole school in the basement parties where you groove all night. Back when hip-hop was real. His sister, Rochelle, (that's what I'm calling her), brought me to her room and confessed that she was in love with me and then she did the unthinkable, she kissed me.
I freaked out, "Do I look gay? Why me? Why did you have to kiss me?" And I ran out of her room searching for Nicole and begging her to go home with me. Nicole was like, "What happened?"
All I could say, "Did you know she was gay? Gross!" I did the unthinkable, I outed Rochelle. Of course, we all know how devastating that was for her, but I didn't get that then. I was too caught up in myself.
And it took me until college, to even open up that can of worms again. To learn that not all Lesbians were White and not all bisexual people were confused. That I was queer and that what that meant to me would change over the course of time.
Then one day at El Rio in San Francisco. I loved El Rio on Sunday's in the upper mission as they had this outdoor club with a live Salsa band. I was dancing with this girl that I was really into and then it happened. I felt someone starring at me, and I turned around. It took a moment for it to register, but it was Rochelle. At that very moment, I felt 14 again and wanted to run away.
But, I didn't. I walked up to her and said, "Rochelle?"
She just kept starring at me and we had this heart wrenching silence between us which I thought would never end. Finally, she introduced me to her girlfriend, "This is the girl that broke my heart and took it took me five years to recover." And then she hugged me and said, "I knew my gaydar wasn't off."
We laughed. Or she laughed, I still felt really bad.
The funny thing is that after outing Rochelle as a kid, I promised myself to NEVER remain silent again. I think all the people I gave tongue lashings too or defended that were voiceless were to make up for what I did to Rochelle. And in someway to make up for what I did to myself by not being true to who I real was.
Being out is important. Whether you're gay or not. Silence = death, right? Speaking out when you know you should can save a whole lot of pain for yourself and someone else. Ironically, we are all hurt by silence. Especially, when we're kids and we have no where to go with that pain. My hope for THE SISTA HOOD is that young girls will see themselves in one of the characters. And in turn, this might provide a voice that validates that crazy but exciting time in our life we call "our youth."
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